Finding the Courage to Reveal a Fetish
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Brian Rea
DAVID doesn’t remember this conversation, but I won’t forget.
“Nice belt,” I said, gesturing to the red canvas belt around his waist.
We had met a few weeks earlier through a Stanford student group. He was quiet and broad-shouldered. I liked him right away.
“I have a leather one, too,” he replied, smiling.
I
was thunderstruck. For as long as I remember, I’ve been fairly obsessed
with spanking. This obsession felt impossible to share, so I was always
hungry for cues that someone could relate. David’s remark was innocent,
of course, but I was so desperate for understanding that I imagined
connections everywhere.
was thunderstruck. For as long as I remember, I’ve been fairly obsessed
with spanking. This obsession felt impossible to share, so I was always
hungry for cues that someone could relate. David’s remark was innocent,
of course, but I was so desperate for understanding that I imagined
connections everywhere.
“You’re in trouble!” a friend once declared when I playfully stole his textbook during a date.
“Really?” I asked, hope rising.
He started tickling me. The relationship was doomed.
I
had long assumed my life partner would share my kink. At 17, I met my
first boyfriend while living abroad. He was 24 and so comfortable with
his sexual identity that on our second date he asked whether I had “ever
received a severe spanking.”
had long assumed my life partner would share my kink. At 17, I met my
first boyfriend while living abroad. He was 24 and so comfortable with
his sexual identity that on our second date he asked whether I had “ever
received a severe spanking.”
His
question took my breath away, and our next 18 months were essentially
an extension of that first electrified moment. By the time we broke up, I
had come to accept that a shared fetish was a necessary part of any
future relationship.
question took my breath away, and our next 18 months were essentially
an extension of that first electrified moment. By the time we broke up, I
had come to accept that a shared fetish was a necessary part of any
future relationship.
But
David, it turned out, is “vanilla” — the word the spanking community
uses to describe people who don’t share our quirk. I was disappointed,
but it was too late: I had already fallen in love with him.
Continue reading the main storyDavid, it turned out, is “vanilla” — the word the spanking community
uses to describe people who don’t share our quirk. I was disappointed,
but it was too late: I had already fallen in love with him.
My
dilemma was clear: how could I describe my desires to David when I
could hardly confess them to myself? Spanking fetishists don’t have a
tradition of coming out. The comparisons to child abuse and spousal
battery are inevitable, upsetting and often impossible to dispel, so
it’s easiest to keep our interest private.
dilemma was clear: how could I describe my desires to David when I
could hardly confess them to myself? Spanking fetishists don’t have a
tradition of coming out. The comparisons to child abuse and spousal
battery are inevitable, upsetting and often impossible to dispel, so
it’s easiest to keep our interest private.
In 1996, Daphne Merkin examined her own fascination with spanking in “Unlikely Obsession”
for The New Yorker. Her confession raised such a controversy that it
was still being mentioned this year, when one writer concluded that its
“take-away was, something is wrong with Daphne Merkin.”
for The New Yorker. Her confession raised such a controversy that it
was still being mentioned this year, when one writer concluded that its
“take-away was, something is wrong with Daphne Merkin.”
Even
popular books and movies link erotic spanking to severe psychological
trauma. In “Fifty Shades of Grey,” Christian Grey’s passion for erotic
pain is a result of extreme childhood abuse. The 2002 film “Secretary”
suggests that the main character’s spanking obsession is merely a
preferable alternative to self-mutilation.
popular books and movies link erotic spanking to severe psychological
trauma. In “Fifty Shades of Grey,” Christian Grey’s passion for erotic
pain is a result of extreme childhood abuse. The 2002 film “Secretary”
suggests that the main character’s spanking obsession is merely a
preferable alternative to self-mutilation.
So
what is a nice girl (who also happens to love being spanked) supposed
to think? More pressingly, what is she supposed to say to her brand-new
boyfriend?
what is a nice girl (who also happens to love being spanked) supposed
to think? More pressingly, what is she supposed to say to her brand-new
boyfriend?
At
20, I confronted the situation indirectly; I went to a college party,
steeled my nerves with cocktails, and breezily told David’s roommate
that I was “kind of into S & M.” It worked. A few nights later,
David asked, “Are you, like, into pain?”
20, I confronted the situation indirectly; I went to a college party,
steeled my nerves with cocktails, and breezily told David’s roommate
that I was “kind of into S & M.” It worked. A few nights later,
David asked, “Are you, like, into pain?”
“Um,” I said, blushing. “Yes?”
It wasn’t quite true. I’m not into pain; I’m into being spanked. But it seemed like a safe first step.
Over
the last decade it has become fashionable in certain millennial circles
to announce an interest in bondage or other forms of sadomasochism. The
implications are often tame: A couple buys handcuffs, experiments with
hot wax, and tosses in the occasional spanking. So when David heard I
was “kind of into S & M,” he interpreted the code exactly how I had
expected: from time to time, he spanked me during sex.
the last decade it has become fashionable in certain millennial circles
to announce an interest in bondage or other forms of sadomasochism. The
implications are often tame: A couple buys handcuffs, experiments with
hot wax, and tosses in the occasional spanking. So when David heard I
was “kind of into S & M,” he interpreted the code exactly how I had
expected: from time to time, he spanked me during sex.
This
was a step in the right direction, but it wasn’t the whole story. While
there is a strong erotic element to my kink, sex is merely a side dish
to the more absorbing entree of the spanking itself.
was a step in the right direction, but it wasn’t the whole story. While
there is a strong erotic element to my kink, sex is merely a side dish
to the more absorbing entree of the spanking itself.
It’s
hard to admit this. A few playful swats during sex seem fun, while
serious spankings seem damaged and perverse. After years of pretending I
was interested only in the occasional erotic swat, I finally had to
admit it to myself: Although spankings do satisfy a strong sexual need,
they satisfy an equally strong psychological one.
hard to admit this. A few playful swats during sex seem fun, while
serious spankings seem damaged and perverse. After years of pretending I
was interested only in the occasional erotic swat, I finally had to
admit it to myself: Although spankings do satisfy a strong sexual need,
they satisfy an equally strong psychological one.
On
my computer, hidden inside a series of password-protected folders, is a
folder labeled “David, If You Find This, Please Don’t Look Inside.” It
has my favorite spanking stories I’ve collected online. A small fraction
are what you’d imagine: A man spanks a woman, then they have sex. In
the vast majority, though, both characters are men, have a platonic
relationship, and no sex or romanticism is involved.
my computer, hidden inside a series of password-protected folders, is a
folder labeled “David, If You Find This, Please Don’t Look Inside.” It
has my favorite spanking stories I’ve collected online. A small fraction
are what you’d imagine: A man spanks a woman, then they have sex. In
the vast majority, though, both characters are men, have a platonic
relationship, and no sex or romanticism is involved.
This
paradox — that my kink is simultaneously sexual and asexual — is one of
its most frustrating and intriguing aspects. Perhaps I’d been so
uncomfortable with my sexuality for so long that scenes with two men,
where there isn’t an obvious stand-in for “me,” were easier to digest.
Perhaps I’ll never fully understand.
paradox — that my kink is simultaneously sexual and asexual — is one of
its most frustrating and intriguing aspects. Perhaps I’d been so
uncomfortable with my sexuality for so long that scenes with two men,
where there isn’t an obvious stand-in for “me,” were easier to digest.
Perhaps I’ll never fully understand.
My
kink developed early. As a child, I pored over any book that mentioned
spanking, paddling or thrashing. Tom Sawyer went through many reads, as
did — believe it or not — key dictionary entries. (Looking up
titillating definitions is so common among developing spankophiles that
it’s almost a rite of passage.)
kink developed early. As a child, I pored over any book that mentioned
spanking, paddling or thrashing. Tom Sawyer went through many reads, as
did — believe it or not — key dictionary entries. (Looking up
titillating definitions is so common among developing spankophiles that
it’s almost a rite of passage.)
BY
high school, I’d started to explore my feelings in more public ways.
When my best friend and I wrote short stories together, I exorcised my
nascent fantasies by subjecting our characters to ritualized, punitive
beatings. With classmates, I’d awkwardly introduce the topic with
invented references to a “news story” about a “town” that wanted to
outlaw spanking.
high school, I’d started to explore my feelings in more public ways.
When my best friend and I wrote short stories together, I exorcised my
nascent fantasies by subjecting our characters to ritualized, punitive
beatings. With classmates, I’d awkwardly introduce the topic with
invented references to a “news story” about a “town” that wanted to
outlaw spanking.
“What do you think of that?” I’d ask, straining to sound casual.
But
when I started college and got my first personal computer, everything
changed. In online anonymity I found a community that shared my interest
and insecurities. I wasn’t looking for partners to “play” with (as it’s
called); spanking, to me, is as intimate as sex, and not to be shared
with someone I didn’t love. I just wanted a forum to express my
otherwise unexpressible side.
when I started college and got my first personal computer, everything
changed. In online anonymity I found a community that shared my interest
and insecurities. I wasn’t looking for partners to “play” with (as it’s
called); spanking, to me, is as intimate as sex, and not to be shared
with someone I didn’t love. I just wanted a forum to express my
otherwise unexpressible side.
“What did you all do before the Internet?” I asked a woman in an online forum.
“The brave ones looked for personal ads,” she replied. “The rest of us were lonely.”
For
the next several years, I settled into a sexual détente: David, under
the impression that I was “kind of into S & M,” satisfied my
physical desires — almost. Online strangers satisfied my desire for
community and understanding — almost. And I stopped feeling like a freak
— almost.
the next several years, I settled into a sexual détente: David, under
the impression that I was “kind of into S & M,” satisfied my
physical desires — almost. Online strangers satisfied my desire for
community and understanding — almost. And I stopped feeling like a freak
— almost.
Almost, I decided, would have to be enough.
I
often tried to pinpoint the origins of my obsession. I’ve been exposed
to enough pop psychology to recognize the obvious first question: Yes, I
was spanked as a child, but infrequently and never to an extreme
degree. Many of my childhood friends experienced some form of corporal
punishment and emerged into adulthood unburdened with daily thoughts on
the subject. For a few months, I buried myself in physiological
explanations for why someone might enjoy being spanked. Pain causes an
endorphin rush, which can be pleasurable. The process also causes blood
to rush to the pelvic region, which mimics sexual arousal.
often tried to pinpoint the origins of my obsession. I’ve been exposed
to enough pop psychology to recognize the obvious first question: Yes, I
was spanked as a child, but infrequently and never to an extreme
degree. Many of my childhood friends experienced some form of corporal
punishment and emerged into adulthood unburdened with daily thoughts on
the subject. For a few months, I buried myself in physiological
explanations for why someone might enjoy being spanked. Pain causes an
endorphin rush, which can be pleasurable. The process also causes blood
to rush to the pelvic region, which mimics sexual arousal.
“This is biologically normal,” I told myself. “Totally normal.”
Eventually, I gave up. It was exhausting and depressing to try to justify my obsession. Moreover, it wasn’t working.
The
solution, I realized, had been sleeping next to me for almost six
years. David is my best friend, my fiancé and my champion. If anyone can
convince me I’m not damaged, it’s David. He makes me stronger when I
can’t do it alone.
solution, I realized, had been sleeping next to me for almost six
years. David is my best friend, my fiancé and my champion. If anyone can
convince me I’m not damaged, it’s David. He makes me stronger when I
can’t do it alone.
But how could I ever express it all — my history, insecurities, secrets and hopes?
I’m
a writer, so I wrote it down. And as I translated my feelings and
memories into these words, I took control of a desire that has
controlled me for most of my life. I felt comfortable, confident — even
celebratory.
a writer, so I wrote it down. And as I translated my feelings and
memories into these words, I took control of a desire that has
controlled me for most of my life. I felt comfortable, confident — even
celebratory.
For about three days. Then ancient insecurities, as they always do, crept back.
“Coming
out of the closet” isn’t the right expression. We’re not in closets
that can be left in a single step as the door clicks shut behind.
“Coming out of the house” might be better. Or “coming out of the
labyrinth.”
out of the closet” isn’t the right expression. We’re not in closets
that can be left in a single step as the door clicks shut behind.
“Coming out of the house” might be better. Or “coming out of the
labyrinth.”
In
our different ways, we all just want honesty and intimacy, right? We’re
looking for the people who will love us, even when it’s difficult. Or
uncomfortable. Or painful.
our different ways, we all just want honesty and intimacy, right? We’re
looking for the people who will love us, even when it’s difficult. Or
uncomfortable. Or painful.
I always share my writing with David, and this time would be no different.
“This
is hard to show you,” I said as I slid my laptop across the bed. “Also,
I’m worried that my paragraph structure is confusing.”
is hard to show you,” I said as I slid my laptop across the bed. “Also,
I’m worried that my paragraph structure is confusing.”
As he read each page, I felt the clicks of a dozen doors closing behind me.
“I love you,” David said when he finished. “You’re so brave. And there is nothing wrong with your paragraph structure.”
Click.
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